One of those nights

Sometimes I just can't help to not feel so insecure.

Maybe because I know that nothing really last forever. Anything can begone within minutes, in a blink of an eye, even.

I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of spiders. I'm scared of lightning. I'm scared of pitch darkness. And only recently I realised that I fear of being lonely..

All my life I have always know that I will always have someone around me. Someone whom each have their gifts to guide, to teach, to accompany, to love, to forgive, to handle, to accept and to care about me. There will always be this figures that I know I would be nothing without them. I have learnt life the hard way and it makes me appreciate and truly learn about sincerity and love. I might not have experienced being left behind by someone for death a lot, but those three times were painful though I don't really talk to them that much.. But everytime I remember about Grandpa, I always have this tennis ball stuck in my throat and my eyes got teary.

I don't talk to Grandpa that much. I know mom loves him so much and she really adore and respect him. I know because that is exactly how I feel towards my dad. So when Grandpa got really ill and was hospitalised, I had to put aside my summer internship and fly back home. I planned it for two weeks to go home and then come back to London to go on with my original plan. When I saw Grandpa for the first time, he could still talk, chat and even laughed though it was a weak one. I would see him almost everyday in the hospital, even just to say hi.. Then two-weeks was up, the night before my flight back, I tried to bid farewell and ask for his blessings, but he was already in a critical condition. Long story short, I went with my guts and stay back home for another two weeks. I didn't really have any choice on how long to extend my stay, the only available flight was only two-weeks later anyway. This is where I realise later on that it was God's plan all along, His guidance was there and He really planned everything so beautifully...

Whenever I was at the hospital, I still didn't talk to Grandpa that much. I couldn't find my words to pour out for a normal chat with him though I really wanted to. Everything was stuck in my head all the things I wanna say and tell him, but I couldn't seem to find my words. I was scared. I was scared it was the time that Grandpa would leave. I was scared that I wouldn't have more time to see him any longer. I was scared, even to admit, that it could be the last time I could see him.

Another two-weeks was up and I really had to fly back to London. I arrived 20 hours later, reached home in London, and Grandpa left. There is this little voice telling me that he was making sure that I arrived safe so he could go in peace..

I miss you, Engkong...

But I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I have it tattooed inside out of me, to always remind me that everything always has its time. Eventually everything will get beautiful when it is the time.


xo,

N