On long distance relationship

“Falling in love is very real, but I used to shake my head when people talked about soul mates, poor deluded individuals grasping at some supernatural ideal not intended for mortals but sounded pretty in a poetry book. Then, we met, and everything changed, the cynic has become the converted, the sceptic, an ardent zealot.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

I have been in my current relationship for almost 3 years now. For the record, that set the record. Yes, this might be the longest one I have ever been in and I definitely looking forward for many more years to come. It may sound cheesy, but this man made me believe in forever. 

It was no smooth journey. The main problem was distance, and thus, trust. Within a few weeks after we officially 'a thing' on July 2012, I had to move back home for an urgent matter. It was unexpected and caught us off guard. I thought I could finally have a normal relationship where my partner is in the same city as I am, but no, I couldn't. So it went on for the year, we've got no clue how long more would it be until we were finally back together in the same city, same timezone or even breathing the same air. Cliché, I know. But that's how I truly felt. 

Then the decision came up: I had the opportunity to go to London to study what I really wanted: Fashion. It wasn't just fashion, but fashion styling. Creative director, to be exact. The offer just came under my nose in a flash, I had to just say yes because it was my longtime dream. This was around early 2013. Long story short, it was further distance expanded between us then. 

I officially moved to London around Oct 2013. Eventhough I fall in love with this city instantly, I hesitantly agreed to those cheesy quotes: "Love is when you wish to spend memories and moments with your other half." Everything I do was fun because it was the start of adapting, discovering and exploring, but I felt empty. I was all alone back then, I know no one except for a long-time friend of mine, but we don't meet that often. I became dependant on facetime and line 24/7 except when I'm sleeping, even though I know he was 7 hours ahead of me. I'd sleep when he's awake, and vice versa. Weekends hangouts and rituals turned into insecurity, just because we were worried. We refused to 

stop each other from that late-night-outs with friends because we realise it's weekends anyways and we were supposed to have fun and enjoy the night away. More often it ended up to be a silent disappointment and the next day wasted to avoid talking. 

It was not a walk in the park. Other issues also burdened our relationship, but we managed to settle and dealt with them. An achievement, it is, considering me used to be the most stubborn girlfriend in the whole relationship world, I suppose. I used to be that girlfriend who would make all the decisions. That girlfriend who would be mad if it didn't go the way she wanted it to be. That girlfriend who was careless of whatever the boyfriend had to say. I was all that nightmare girlfriend type until I met him. Kudos, he made me change my bad habits. He made me want to be a better person for him. Moreover, I am gladly to be willing to do all of this.. (Although, I still hold on to my gut insting, though. I'm a Scorpio, afterall ;) )

If it is not love, I don't know what that is..

Lately I've been hearing all of these break-ups story. Whenever I hear these kind of stories, I got a heartbreak. Not only because I know how happy they were whenever they were talking about the other half, but because I find it ironic why people can say the breakup words so easily! *touchwood*

In my case, whenever my bf and I have an argument, no matter how big it is, we always ended up talking it out. It might takes a bit of time since we both have our own ways of handling things (i.e I tend to blow up like a grenade whilst him prefer to be left alone..) but by sharing what we personally feel help to settle the matter faster. Maybe your partner won't take your thoughts and feeling instantly but at least they became aware of it and acknowledge it. And take it from the expert, trust me, communication is the key. Sharing your partial ramble on social media is rubbish and useless. Not only it can do damage but also it is unfair. Share it with your partner, not an object. Your life is yours, not the public, the same goes to your relationship. 

I learnt that in a relationship, specifically, long distance relationship, communication is the key. Without communication, trust can't be built and basically, that is the core for a long lasting relationship. I'm no expert at all this, I still have to learn and although we have been together for almost 3 years now and pretty much wayyyyy too comfortable with each other, I always find it hard to part after we meet. Someone once said to me, she couldn't function without her partner because she's just not used to not have him around her. Heck, she didn't even remember when was the last time she was sleeping alone. Crazy? Baby, I know how exactly that feels. Especially when your bed is so big it can sleep three people in it.

Often I find people get surprised that we could stay in LDR for so long now. Even though we literally live three-hours train ride away from each other now, I still miss him. I still demand his presence every single day by my side. Demanding much? No. It's just natural love behaviour. ;) 

Honestly I just can't wait the day we can be in the same place together again..

For good. 

xo, 

N

That one ramble about the unforeseen future

Sometimes I'm convinced that at this stage of my life, I still don't know what I want.

As in, I don't know what permanent job I'll do in the future. How much effort and sacrifice will I be willing to pour my energy and passion into, to afford the future life? I mean, I love styling, don't get me wrong now, but for some unexplainable reason, my guts keep on nudging me whenever I'm frustrated in preparing editorials after editorials.. "You are so not going to sacrifice your personal life for this." - I mean, I'm a scorpio; we go with guts, see. And the wise guts bugs sometimes.

I'm not very keen in discussing this with anyone because like it or not, they're going to start making their own judgement. Yes, I've been indecisive regarding my education major and my future permanent actual career. Yes, I love fashion styling. Yes, I like learning new things. Yes, I love the satisfaction of producing my own work of sweat and tears. And no, I'm not complaining.
(Whatever is on my mind that make me type this post up is not going to be spilled. Simply because I'm just not ready for anyone's opinion - or rather I just don't want to hear it. )

Time to time I thought of quitting. Quitting doesn't mean deciding to be homeless, nor jobless. Quitting in this case means going to the real world and just be face the reality. I'm always an adrenaline junkie, but these days I realise I lack in any challenges and kicks. I think I kept it too low for too long now. Yeah university is fun and studying is definitely puts me in a safer situation, but I just don't feel the motivation anymore? I'm becoming fed up with keeping up good grades and stressing out over assignment deadlines. I know real job doesn't mean I have no more of these, but even more worse case of being that IT'S REAL.

Some friends I talked to were envious of my situation of studying, lectures, projects, assignments, etc, etc. They feel like they couldn't keep up with the work life and would do anything to trade to go back to uni. Trade with me will you!? I mean, maybe you would want to be students once again because back then you don't need to worry about supporting yourself and growing up, now that it is different. Not saying that this is the case of EVERYONE, but SOME. Again, at this stage of my life I still feel like I'm nowhere. And you are somewhere. How annoying it is for me to admit that I am still clueless whereas you have a job and facing real customers or clients or partners or whoever?

Ugh, maybe I'm just really uninspired and becoming boring lately. INSPIRE ME, SPRING!!!

A friend of mine said this to kid me not - maybe just get married, have ten kids and live happily ever after. Ha! :P


xo,

N

Travelogue: York

To start Easter break, my friends and I went to Newcastle to take a break from the busy London. On Monday, we took a day trip to York - since we're closer and cheaper to go from than London.

The Shambles.

This narrow lane used to be full of butchers shops and houses. The name was derived from an old Anglo-Saxon word, "Shammel", which means shelves (if I'm not mistaken). Butchers would hung the fresh meat in front of the shops to be sold everyday in the past time. Some of the actual hooks still exist in front of these houses. 

We arrived quite late, it was around 2pm when we got there. Headed straight to the city centre, and I love it already! It's a nice town with heavy castle remains left. 

Yorkminster 

Samples of teas

I'm more of a coffee person but this tea shop (that I totally forgot to note the name) makes me want to buy the teas after sniffing almost every sample they have.. 

That's all that I've got. I'm really bad at documenting my travel cus I'm too busy discovering stuffs and just get distracted after a few seconds finding another more.. xP 

Til next time?

xo, 

N

Greetings

Being a stylist I have to deal with meeting many new people to collaborate. In this era of excessive technology, all the deals are done behind the screen - blind date, sort of, except, acquainting more than one at once. Then on the shooting day, everyone finally get to meet each other face to face. There comes the often-awkward-moment of gesture to introduce yourself. 

My culture's way to introduce yourself is by shaking hand. From my time studying in the states, it is by hugging. Then in London,it gets complicated.

Complicated, I say, because London is full of people from different country and culture. I often find myself trapped in a situation where we just don't know which way to comfortably introduce ourself to each other without awkwardly trying to hold your hand out, or throwing yourself to hug the other person without making the impression of being overly friendly or invading their space. I mean, it's just awkward. People always draw conclusion of you by the first impression, truth to be said, and everyone wants tp be looked as a nice person - no matter how careless of a person you are. 

Overtime I learn. English tend to shake hand as an introduction, some does cheek-to-cheek kiss in case of girl and girl. Some does just a wave and a "nice to meet you". And Spanish they always do cheek-to-cheek. Others mostly do hand shake. 

Now that I know, I always go for a hand shake just to be "safe". XD

xo, 

N

Travelogue: Belfast, Northern Ireland

For Valentine's day, my boyfriend and I went for a weekend getaway to Belfast, Northern Ireland.

We both were ill so we didn't do much but eat and sleep. Quality time, though! 

Arrived at 9am and it was pouring! Check in time was still 6 hours later. Sleep-deprived we walked around the town for a bit before heading to the hotel and pass out until dinner time. 

For dinner, we went to Toni Roma's. 

Back when I was a kid, Toni Roma's used to be one of those splurge restaurants my parents would take me to, once in a while when we visit Jakarta. I haven't had it for years now then we found one near our hotel so we went ahead, obviously! 

Mixed platter: Spinach dip, onion ring and boneless crispy chicken. When we ordered this (and three other mains), the waiter was like, "Have you been to Toni Roma's before? This platter is usually is for 3-4 person." - And we were like, "Yeah." lol 

Full rack of baby back ribs. I mean, you can never go wrong with pork and ribs, you know? 

Classic chicken caesar salad

All of these for 2. Yup, pigs.. lol

The next day, we went to St. George's market and the Titanic museum. 

The market was voted as the best indoor market in the UK. Both of us loveee going to market and try different food. I was too hungry I didn't take any picture :(

Titanic Experience was an exhibition about the birth of Titanic until it collapsed 1930s. I found it quite fascinating and horrifying at the same time. The history of how people in the early 1900s could build something gigantic and majestic like that, yet it had to come to a tragic end with many victims..

For dinner we went to Meat in a Bap

Honestly though, this gets me so excited to visit Belfast when I did my research! Haha 

The Nutella Shake, though! I'm craving for it now, I swear! 

Overall, Belfast is a nice quiet city. Might not be visiting it for the second time (cus there are many more places due!) but we'll see!

xo,

N

Lowest low

I have been feeling so low lately. I'm blaming it to the fucked up hormone.. It affected my life so bad  that I got to the point where nothing seems right anymore and I feel irritated with myself. 

For example, I would overreact over small things and I could cry over spilt milk. I'm not the type who'd cry in an argument, but now I do. I'd argue, shooting mean words and acting like a total bitch, then cry. Like, what the fuck. 

Truth is, yeah I may not be as tough or as independent as before, but could you imagine being in this state where you are PMS-ing 24/7 and you can never guess what irrelevant event today that could make tears streaming down your face? Literally just like a tap. It's not normal. At least I don't think it's normal.. 

:( 

xo,

N

🎶Lost Star - Adam Levine

I guess part of giving away a part of yourself means that you should be aware that you are giving the power to the person to make you feel vulnerable..

Time, distance and waiting sucks as fck.  

:|

2015

So, typical me forget that each year I wrote a resolution. A month after the new year began, I remembered and dig through whatever the possibilities I might have hid the list of the resolutions I wrote and check off which I have completed. And most of the time, I'd be like, "I wrote this?!??" 

Oopsie! 

And typical me, always wanna improve myself, so I am writing this 2015 resolution in hope to bury this under the blog posts coming up as time goes by...

1. Contribute in LFW.

2. Pass uni with kickass grade 

3. Celebrate whatever special dates bf and I couldn't spend together 

4. Wiser spend on shopping. Meaning that I will spend on quality rather than quantity, as though high street fashion is very tempting and cheaper (per one shopping trip), it doesn't necessarily guaranteed quality. Most of the time clothes from high street brands are not long wearing and they're somewhat disposable. Cost per wear from now on! 

5. Travel and explore more of the world 

Hope we all have a kickass 2015! 

Xo,

N

One of those nights

Sometimes I just can't help to not feel so insecure.

Maybe because I know that nothing really last forever. Anything can begone within minutes, in a blink of an eye, even.

I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of spiders. I'm scared of lightning. I'm scared of pitch darkness. And only recently I realised that I fear of being lonely..

All my life I have always know that I will always have someone around me. Someone whom each have their gifts to guide, to teach, to accompany, to love, to forgive, to handle, to accept and to care about me. There will always be this figures that I know I would be nothing without them. I have learnt life the hard way and it makes me appreciate and truly learn about sincerity and love. I might not have experienced being left behind by someone for death a lot, but those three times were painful though I don't really talk to them that much.. But everytime I remember about Grandpa, I always have this tennis ball stuck in my throat and my eyes got teary.

I don't talk to Grandpa that much. I know mom loves him so much and she really adore and respect him. I know because that is exactly how I feel towards my dad. So when Grandpa got really ill and was hospitalised, I had to put aside my summer internship and fly back home. I planned it for two weeks to go home and then come back to London to go on with my original plan. When I saw Grandpa for the first time, he could still talk, chat and even laughed though it was a weak one. I would see him almost everyday in the hospital, even just to say hi.. Then two-weeks was up, the night before my flight back, I tried to bid farewell and ask for his blessings, but he was already in a critical condition. Long story short, I went with my guts and stay back home for another two weeks. I didn't really have any choice on how long to extend my stay, the only available flight was only two-weeks later anyway. This is where I realise later on that it was God's plan all along, His guidance was there and He really planned everything so beautifully...

Whenever I was at the hospital, I still didn't talk to Grandpa that much. I couldn't find my words to pour out for a normal chat with him though I really wanted to. Everything was stuck in my head all the things I wanna say and tell him, but I couldn't seem to find my words. I was scared. I was scared it was the time that Grandpa would leave. I was scared that I wouldn't have more time to see him any longer. I was scared, even to admit, that it could be the last time I could see him.

Another two-weeks was up and I really had to fly back to London. I arrived 20 hours later, reached home in London, and Grandpa left. There is this little voice telling me that he was making sure that I arrived safe so he could go in peace..

I miss you, Engkong...

But I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I have it tattooed inside out of me, to always remind me that everything always has its time. Eventually everything will get beautiful when it is the time.


xo,

N